New New Year's Resolutions

Well it’s a new year, and as usual I feel as if I need to come up with some new new year’s resolutions. Going to the gym, eating better, and learning to breakdance were okay for 2011, but now it’s 2012. I was thinking about starting a superhero group consisting of the world’s freakiest looking individuals, but I don’t know. Where would I even find such people? I guess Wal-Mart would be a good place to start. But maybe I should just try and focus in on something more realistic like not going to Wal-Mart at all in 2012 or ever again for that matter.

Okay, let’s take a look at what others have made as their new year’s resolutions. Maybe that will give me some ideas to ponder on.

I will remember to brush my teeth with the bristly end of the toothbrush.

I will no longer eat medicine just because it looks like candy.

I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

Those are all great resolutions for people born in March, but I was born in June. What about us June babies? Well maybe my resolution will hit me upside the head sometime later this week.

Would You Rather Say Goodbye To 2011 Or Be Beaten To Death By French Toast

Move over 2011. Her comes 2012 (a.k.a. The Year Of The Baby)!

What a weekend this has been. I finally got to use my Would You Rather…? book which has taught me a lot about myself. For example, when given the choice between having one of my feet ran over by a lawnmower or having to cut off my lower lip with children’s scissors, I chose neither. Apparently, I’m not a big fan of experiencing unnecessary pain. Wow, what a breakthrough about my inner psyche!

As usual with me and Laura’s traveling tradition, The Traveling Sock Monkey came with us. The only difference this time was that he took a few close friends along with him. Dumo finally made his maiden voyage, and so did Brobee who just joined the group Thursday. Welcome a broad, Brobee.

Before we move on, here’s another thought provoker for you.

Would you rather live in a world where…fog has the stench of a nauseating fart cloud or where wind insults you with increasing pace and cruelness as it picks up?

Damn! Life is full of tough questions. Let’s just try and take a few minutes and think about that question. We’ll continue on with me and Laura’s little weekend escapade shortly.

Happy New Year

Nice To Meet Me

“Accidents will happen,” or so says my parents whenever they’re caught retelling the story of my conception, which scarily enough sounds a little too much like a bad porno film.

Well anyway, accident or not, nine months later I made my grand debut. Yes, I came into this world crying and screaming on June 13, 1978, but hey lets face it, you’d be doing the exact same thing too if you woke up one day covered in slime, buck naked in a roomful of strangers. Even to this very day, I have a strong dislike of being naked in front of people, which crosses out any chance of me ever being a stripper or taking up streaking as a hobby.

My first day on this earth is not one I can personally remember, which makes me wonder if it was even worth remembering anyway. Most likely, all I did that day was cry, eat, cry some more, poop, and sleep. I’m a very routine person, which might explain why I’ve stuck very closely to that formula for the majority of my life.

I‘m an only child, and when you’re an only child, people will no doubt at some point or another ask you why your parents decided not to have any more children. This is the theory I tend to give them. When you’ve hit perfection there is no need to keep on trying. I have no idea if this is the truth or a lie, and even if I found out otherwise, I think I would just stick with my theory. Growing up, my parents constantly pounded in my mind, that in life you have to learn from your mistakes, which might explain why I’m an only child, but that’s neither here nor there, and I definitely don’t feel like dwelling too long on that thought.

Step Into My Office And I'll Tell You A Story...

Welcome to what many critics are calling, “The greatest thing since indoor squirrel boxing.”

Now I haven’t been rolling in the deep or anything, but rumor has it that someone like you shouldn’t be reading this. But I say, “Come on!” It’s not like by reading my stuff you’ll be opening Pandora’s box or anything. At best, there’s a small tiny chance that you may be releasing the undead clown army of the lost colony of Roanoke upon the world, but who says that would be a bad thing?

So go ahead and step into my office, and I’ll tell you a story…